A counsellor once told me that ‘connecting to the confusion’ could really help me understand how I was feeling.
I thought ‘connecting to myself’ was a bit of wanky advice when she first said it, but, as time’s gone on, I’ve realised she’s probably right.
Now I’ve always been really into spirituality, tarot/oracle cards, astrology and the law of attraction. It’s one of my special interests and I love the promise and hope that it brings.
The New Moon and good intentions
So, on Friday night, I went along to my friend Stacey’s ‘New Moon Circle’.
To explain, a New Moon Circle is when a group of women gather together to celebrate the new moon and set their intentions for the month ahead. The sessions involve meditations, journaling, sharing and generally, offers a safe and non-judgemental space.
I first did one of Stacey’s circles via Zoom which were lovely but recently, we’ve been meeting in person and it’s such an amazing feeling.
It’s two hours out of our busy lives to relax, reflect and calm our inner chatter. A chance for us to re-focus and show ourselves a little bit of love and attention. After Stacey welcomed us all and opened the circle, she got us to do a grounding meditation so we could all lie down, breathe deeply and sigh away the stresses of the week. As someone with chronic anxiety, this in itself is something I find hard to do. My mind is like a busy motorway, cars coming and going all day, every day with little chance of quiet. I find myself standing amongst the cars trying to stop them so I can cross but being unable to, instead of taking a step back onto the pavement and watching them safely go by.
The cars are my thoughts and standing in the road represents me trying to stop the thoughts from coming. Always to no avail. But somehow, in this space, the cars seem to slow down and I can re-focus on my path.
After some more journaling, we each picked an oracle card from one of the beautiful decks Stacey had. The deck was the colour of unicorns, pastel blues, pinks and purples, inviting you to pick your hidden message for the month ahead.
As I slowly turned over my card in anticipation, it read:
“Trust your intuition, she’s always right.”
That couldn’t have been more applicable and reassuring at this time.
The image was of a blonde haired lady with a pixie crop with her left hand to her heart and her eyes closed in contemplation. I used to have a short blonde pixie cut but I never looked as calm as she did. She looked like she trusted her gut, which is something I struggle to do.
You see, this was so relevant to me because it spoke to the current process of autism diagnosis I’m embarking on. Despite the dip in my stomach and the reassurance in my heart, I still feel uncomfortable saying that I’m autistic.
Even though I know, in the pits of my stomach, that I am, I’m scared of trusting myself. What if the outcome isn’t what I hope? What if I don’t get a formal diagnosis? Then what?
This card really made me think. Really made me acknowledge that I’m not OK. That the inner conflict is eating away and I can’t seem to stop it. I’m perfecting the art of being a swan, keeping it together and calm on the surface but furiously paddling away underneath just to keep myself afloat.
The diagnosis is all I can think about. When I wake up. When I’m in bed. When I’m sat staring into space because I can’t bring my mind into focus enough to get what I need to do done.
Until Friday, I didn’t realise it meant that much to me. Turns out it does.
Turns out I’m being held prisoner in my own body, trying to navigate the obstacles in my path. It’s like the diagnosis is a rare and elusive diamond being heavily guarded. It’s like, by reaching that stone, I’d achieve the peace, calm and acceptance I’m looking for. I just need to hop over the ten foot fence made of marble, fight some bad guys with guns and get what I want. Easy right?
Like so many other women, I feel like this diagnosis is being guarded and no one will let me get near it. No one will give me the satisfaction of sharing it. Instead, we have to go through hell and back only to be told it’s not good enough. That we didn’t fight hard enough. That we didn’t show willing and didn’t struggle enough.
When this is definitely not the case.
I didn’t realise I felt like this until going to Stacey’s session. Like the elegant swan, I just kept furiously swimming beneath the water in the hope that at some point I could stop, take a breathe and rest.
I will be able to do that but not just yet. I can’t give up yet.
I recently discovered, while searching for an email address in my inbox, that I was put on the NHS waiting list for an autism assessment in 2018. But nothing ever happened with it. I questioned the nice man from the autism service but he said I never replied to them about being kept on the list so they took me off. How mad is that? I sent the letter off but no response. He’s now going to bring it up at his next meeting so I’m keeping everything crossed that he’ll come back and I’ll be seen sooner.
For the time being, I have to do what the card said and trust my intuition. Trust the process. Trust that all will become clear. Trust that someone, somewhere will let me in reach of what I so desperately want. And need.
Connecting to the confusion does kinda help.
By having those hours of quiet and relaxation, it made me connect with myself, something I can rarely do. Half the time, I don’t actually know what I’m feeling. I could be happy but tears stream down my face and a look of confusion appears. I could be angry but unexpectedly laugh out loud for no real reason. Feelings are confusing. I’ve always thought that. But it’s because I don’t listen to myself.
How many of us really do?
My new moon intention is that I’m going to show myself some love this month. As someone who’s grown up not liking themselves and being confused, this is a big intention.
So I decided I’m going to do the following:
- Guided meditations at bedtime
- Treat myself to a bath with the most amazing bath bombs
- Sit and watch an uplifting film
- Cuddle the dog (and my fiance of course!)
As we all set our intentions and went our separate ways, I got into my car feeling more optimistic. As I put the key into the ignition and heard the engine roar to life, the song ‘Let me love you’ by Neyo was playing. I immediately smiled and knew that someone, somewhere was sending me a message of reassurance.
These are the lyrics that played as I drove home with a big daft smile on my face:
“Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself
Girl let me love you
And all your trouble
Don’t be afraid, girl let me help
Girl let me love you
And I will love you
Until you learn to love yourself.”
I guess the universe really does have my back. And connecting to the confusion isn’t so wanky after all.